Right now sucks. I thank God for how lucky I am to be where I am in my life. But right now sucks and I'm very, very lonely.
In four weeks I'll be 27 years old. I try to think about where I thought I'd be in my life by that point, but I suppose there's not much use to that. I am where I am and, all things considered, I'm very lucky. It's tough to see past the present moment, though. That moment's not too great. What's worst is that it's my fault. Pretty much in every way, it's my fault. Eventually I suppose I'll stop feeling awful. Eventually.
My birthday is in 4 weeks. I'm hoping it's a happy one.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
8/28/10
I have an audition Monday for "Broadway Bound". I'm hopeful. There are a couple roles in there that I could do. I could be a Eugene I think. I could be his brother. I suppose it depends on the talent level that they get at Boca Raton Theatre Guild. So, who knows?
I've been reading a lot recently, since I don't have a lot else to do right now. One idea that I found interesting in Bret Easton Ellis' work is the notion that no one will ever "know" anyone else. He means something really specific by "know". It's not in an everyday sense. What I at least think he's saying is that, no matter how close you are to someone, how much you think you've become a part of their life, they will always be slightly foreign to you, their motives will always be impossible for you to discern with total accuracy, and, to put it simply, you'll never know them, even if and maybe especially when you're in love with them.
I'm not sure about this. On a certain level it makes sense to me. You can never know what's going on in anyone else's mind but your own. People are in the dark about their own motives enough as it is, so how could you ever know if they didn't?
On the other hand, I feel like an actor trains you to be observant, to be able to understand what's happening between people without having to be told. I'm not sure I really understood this until I began Graduate School work but, almost without fail, I've been totally unsurprised by every single gossipy revelation that I've been exposed to in my time here. Because, if you just pay attention and watch people interact... you see things and what's gossip becomes obvious. It's really true.
This maybe isn't exactly what he's talking about though. I suppose that could just be behavior and not motive. Certainly motive seems shady sometimes. You can't really begin to fathom why people do things a lot of the time. All of this is preamble I suppose to the fear that no one really knows me and, what's far worse, that no one really wants to. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. It seems to me that it's a pretty human fear. When I'm lonely like I am right now, though, it does become louder and more difficult to ignore.
As a postscript, I should say, if you want to understand the experience of living in Florida, at least the way I've perceived it, you should read Bret Easton Ellis. "The Rules of Attraction" in particular.
I've been reading a lot recently, since I don't have a lot else to do right now. One idea that I found interesting in Bret Easton Ellis' work is the notion that no one will ever "know" anyone else. He means something really specific by "know". It's not in an everyday sense. What I at least think he's saying is that, no matter how close you are to someone, how much you think you've become a part of their life, they will always be slightly foreign to you, their motives will always be impossible for you to discern with total accuracy, and, to put it simply, you'll never know them, even if and maybe especially when you're in love with them.
I'm not sure about this. On a certain level it makes sense to me. You can never know what's going on in anyone else's mind but your own. People are in the dark about their own motives enough as it is, so how could you ever know if they didn't?
On the other hand, I feel like an actor trains you to be observant, to be able to understand what's happening between people without having to be told. I'm not sure I really understood this until I began Graduate School work but, almost without fail, I've been totally unsurprised by every single gossipy revelation that I've been exposed to in my time here. Because, if you just pay attention and watch people interact... you see things and what's gossip becomes obvious. It's really true.
This maybe isn't exactly what he's talking about though. I suppose that could just be behavior and not motive. Certainly motive seems shady sometimes. You can't really begin to fathom why people do things a lot of the time. All of this is preamble I suppose to the fear that no one really knows me and, what's far worse, that no one really wants to. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. It seems to me that it's a pretty human fear. When I'm lonely like I am right now, though, it does become louder and more difficult to ignore.
As a postscript, I should say, if you want to understand the experience of living in Florida, at least the way I've perceived it, you should read Bret Easton Ellis. "The Rules of Attraction" in particular.
Friday, August 27, 2010
8/27/10
I have to confess I'm pretty lonely after this first week back at school. It's what I worried about, really. My classes are fine and I enjoy teaching them and everything. I'm glad to see the new Grad Students doing well and getting themselves settled in. They're all at callbacks for the first show of the year right now. It's nice to be back on campus and be seeing everyone...
I'm lonely, though. I feel pretty isolated. Even Cassie and Candace, who are doing what I'm doing, I don't see much. I'm on my own a lot. Right now, at least, on Monday and Wednesdays I don't have anything to do. I mean, I have two jobs, teaching at FAU and at Standing Ovation, and I have Financial Aid coming, so financially I'm actually going to be all right. Right now I'm just bored and lonely.
Complain, complain. I'll obviously find something to do. Some project that'll occupy my time. Honesty Project will probably do that once it gets approved by the Department.
I miss it, is what it comes down to. I miss it. I miss being in class all day. I miss the hustle and bustle of it. I miss seeing people all day, every day. I miss being the focus of the faculty's attention. I miss shop... a little, mainly in that it provided me with an easy way to talk to women other than the women in my class. I miss it.
That's where I am right now, I guess. I decorated my apartment to look more at home for myself. I still don't have much of anywhere for people to sit, but I think I want to have a party sometime soon at my place.
I feel lonely and isolated. I miss it.
I'm lonely, though. I feel pretty isolated. Even Cassie and Candace, who are doing what I'm doing, I don't see much. I'm on my own a lot. Right now, at least, on Monday and Wednesdays I don't have anything to do. I mean, I have two jobs, teaching at FAU and at Standing Ovation, and I have Financial Aid coming, so financially I'm actually going to be all right. Right now I'm just bored and lonely.
Complain, complain. I'll obviously find something to do. Some project that'll occupy my time. Honesty Project will probably do that once it gets approved by the Department.
I miss it, is what it comes down to. I miss it. I miss being in class all day. I miss the hustle and bustle of it. I miss seeing people all day, every day. I miss being the focus of the faculty's attention. I miss shop... a little, mainly in that it provided me with an easy way to talk to women other than the women in my class. I miss it.
That's where I am right now, I guess. I decorated my apartment to look more at home for myself. I still don't have much of anywhere for people to sit, but I think I want to have a party sometime soon at my place.
I feel lonely and isolated. I miss it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
8/22/10: Upcoming
School starts again tomorrow. I don't teach til Tuesday, but I do want to be back on campus around people. I have to say that, as nice as time off is, it's something like a double-edged sword for me. I enjoy my time alone, but when I have too much of it, I do end up feeling lonely and in my own world. I never really knew til these last couple years how much I really depend on being around people. I probably should have put that together sooner, being an actor and all. What I do depends on people, observing them, understanding what makes them tick.
It's really stunning how being trained to be an actor really gifts you with the ability to see what's really going on with people. We study human activity and behavior and why this person is always as close as they can be to this other person in this group of people but how that shifts when this other person comes into the room... It's pretty stunning. You can almost see through people; not in a malicious or mean way, but in a way that makes motives and emotions clear to you without any objective description or confirmation.
That's not to say that it doesn't bother me to be so often the observor. It does make me feel disconnected. That feeds back to the lonliness sometimes, especially and particularly right now, I have to say. SO many people I know all around are getting married or having kids. Most of the people I know here are with someone. From time to time it does get to me, and right now is one of those times. I'm a good person, and I'll find someone, eventually.
It's really stunning how being trained to be an actor really gifts you with the ability to see what's really going on with people. We study human activity and behavior and why this person is always as close as they can be to this other person in this group of people but how that shifts when this other person comes into the room... It's pretty stunning. You can almost see through people; not in a malicious or mean way, but in a way that makes motives and emotions clear to you without any objective description or confirmation.
That's not to say that it doesn't bother me to be so often the observor. It does make me feel disconnected. That feeds back to the lonliness sometimes, especially and particularly right now, I have to say. SO many people I know all around are getting married or having kids. Most of the people I know here are with someone. From time to time it does get to me, and right now is one of those times. I'm a good person, and I'll find someone, eventually.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Change
So, this is the first post in my new blog. I decided pretty spur-of-the-moment to start one, but it seemed like something that made sense. I like to write, I think I have a good voice for it and have interesting things to say.
SO, where am I right now in my life? I'm going to be 27 in about a month and a half. I'm living in Boca Raton, FL, which isn't exactly the place I'd love to be, speaking purely geographically. I'm from Pittsburgh, PA and actually just came back from a week-long trip back there to see my family and generally avoid spending money for a little while. I'm a third year MFA student at Florida Atlantic University, but I'm actually done with my class work in terms of being a student. I'm an Adjunct Faculty member this term, and I'm lucky enough to be teaching two sections of Acting 1, along with teaching younger kids improvisational performing at another local studio. I just found out yesterday that I'm actually going to be a lot more financially stable than I thought I would be for these next few months, which is nice. Life is actually pretty good right now, all things considered.
Of course I'm lucky. I live where I do, I have money to support myself, I'm hard-working enough to have developed usable skills that I can be paid for. I really do enjoy teaching. I feel like I'm pretty good at it. At the same time, I feel kind of restless. I want to be in a show again. I miss it, even though the last ones I did were just about a month ago, really. It bugs me that I haven't been cast yet.
I'm a pretty restless person. That might surprise you if you know me. I can very rarely just sit down and relax. Usually my mind is working on what I should be doing rather than relaxing. I enjoy that this has made me hard-working. I don't enjoy that it's difficult for me to turn off.
I'm also great at worrying. You name it, I can worry about it and then probably feel guilty about it. These are all things that I know about myself, along with other realizations that are a little more personal. Going through the crucible of Graduate School, though, has made me feel much more comfortable with myself and able to recognize my strengths. I'm smart. I'm kind. I'm funny. I'm fast at thinking on my feet. I can even say I'm a little more able to accept it when someone tells me I was a leader in my Grad Class.
That's probably the purpose of this first blog entry, I'd say. To say to anyone who reads this and especially anyone from FAU who does that, even with the stress that is a large part of our training, and, indeed, because of it, I've definitely emerged as a changed person. I'm a better actor and person from my time here. I can only speak for myself in saying that, which is all that anyone can do.
I've had the pleasure to meet and interact with the new Grad Class at FAU these past few days and will have the chance to be around them for at least this next term. I remember the anxiety and excitement of the feeling of the beginning of that journey. I remember forming first impressions, some of which turned out to be accurate, some of which were complete misses. I remember our "official" meeting and then the unofficial meeting with the Then-Third Years, and feeling a little dictated to afterwards. Hopefully those of us who've been interacting with them the past few days have had the opposite effect and being a welcoming presence.
I'm definitely going to miss being at school and in rehearsal until I get into a show myself. I have auditions upcoming. I have the confidence in myself to say it's more a matter of when and not if. I'll miss people and I miss them already, to a certain extent.
It is time to be more of an adult, though, I think. That's fine with me. I think, if you asked a lot of people, they'd say I act like I'm 40 anyways. It's time to be an adult. That means being responsible for myself and only myself, which is a relief. It also means responsibility, which I feel I can handle very well. So, I'm open to it. I'm an adult and I'm ready for my life.
Great luck to the new Grads at FAU! Hope that your journey is an amazing one! Let me know if I can be of any help along the way!
SO, where am I right now in my life? I'm going to be 27 in about a month and a half. I'm living in Boca Raton, FL, which isn't exactly the place I'd love to be, speaking purely geographically. I'm from Pittsburgh, PA and actually just came back from a week-long trip back there to see my family and generally avoid spending money for a little while. I'm a third year MFA student at Florida Atlantic University, but I'm actually done with my class work in terms of being a student. I'm an Adjunct Faculty member this term, and I'm lucky enough to be teaching two sections of Acting 1, along with teaching younger kids improvisational performing at another local studio. I just found out yesterday that I'm actually going to be a lot more financially stable than I thought I would be for these next few months, which is nice. Life is actually pretty good right now, all things considered.
Of course I'm lucky. I live where I do, I have money to support myself, I'm hard-working enough to have developed usable skills that I can be paid for. I really do enjoy teaching. I feel like I'm pretty good at it. At the same time, I feel kind of restless. I want to be in a show again. I miss it, even though the last ones I did were just about a month ago, really. It bugs me that I haven't been cast yet.
I'm a pretty restless person. That might surprise you if you know me. I can very rarely just sit down and relax. Usually my mind is working on what I should be doing rather than relaxing. I enjoy that this has made me hard-working. I don't enjoy that it's difficult for me to turn off.
I'm also great at worrying. You name it, I can worry about it and then probably feel guilty about it. These are all things that I know about myself, along with other realizations that are a little more personal. Going through the crucible of Graduate School, though, has made me feel much more comfortable with myself and able to recognize my strengths. I'm smart. I'm kind. I'm funny. I'm fast at thinking on my feet. I can even say I'm a little more able to accept it when someone tells me I was a leader in my Grad Class.
That's probably the purpose of this first blog entry, I'd say. To say to anyone who reads this and especially anyone from FAU who does that, even with the stress that is a large part of our training, and, indeed, because of it, I've definitely emerged as a changed person. I'm a better actor and person from my time here. I can only speak for myself in saying that, which is all that anyone can do.
I've had the pleasure to meet and interact with the new Grad Class at FAU these past few days and will have the chance to be around them for at least this next term. I remember the anxiety and excitement of the feeling of the beginning of that journey. I remember forming first impressions, some of which turned out to be accurate, some of which were complete misses. I remember our "official" meeting and then the unofficial meeting with the Then-Third Years, and feeling a little dictated to afterwards. Hopefully those of us who've been interacting with them the past few days have had the opposite effect and being a welcoming presence.
I'm definitely going to miss being at school and in rehearsal until I get into a show myself. I have auditions upcoming. I have the confidence in myself to say it's more a matter of when and not if. I'll miss people and I miss them already, to a certain extent.
It is time to be more of an adult, though, I think. That's fine with me. I think, if you asked a lot of people, they'd say I act like I'm 40 anyways. It's time to be an adult. That means being responsible for myself and only myself, which is a relief. It also means responsibility, which I feel I can handle very well. So, I'm open to it. I'm an adult and I'm ready for my life.
Great luck to the new Grads at FAU! Hope that your journey is an amazing one! Let me know if I can be of any help along the way!
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